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Longbox Junk: X Files/30 Days of Night

  • atom | Male | Utah

"I have a lot of issues. . ."

I write comic book reviews that NOBODY has ever asked for!

June 2019

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Short version.  This one was bad.

ISSUE 1

I love the X-Files. I have the whole Topps run, as well as the entire T.V. series (good and bad) on DVD. I love 30 Days of Night. I have the original series signed by Steve Niles, as well as the movie (which I consider one of the few successful non-superhero comic movies). It would SEEM that the two properties would be a sweet fit for each other.

But. . .

This first issue makes me wonder if X-Files and 30 Days of Night sounds better as an idea than as an actual thing.

FBI Agents Scully and Mulder find themselves in Alaska investigating 16 beheaded bodies drained of blood and hung 40 feet in the air on a pole. Also on the case, believing it to be a serial killer he's been tracking is an old rival of Mulder's, Agent Daniel "Frenchy" French.

Niles is usually a good writer, but the dialogue seems stilted and unnatural. The art isn't doing the story any favors either. The covers are OUTSTANDING for the entire series (Especially the Sam Kieth variant for the first issue), but the interior art is pretty bad. Scully looks nothing like her T.V. counterpart and Mulder bears only the slightest resemblance. It's a fairly big fail if you're going to do a licensed property and can't get the likenesses at least halfway there.

In my opinion, this first issue is a dud. Good concept. Bad writing. Bad art. 
5 more issues to go. God, I hope it gets better. . .

ISSUE 2

As per the T.V. status quo, Mulder's suspicions immediately leap to "Vampire", while Scully insists that there must be a reasonable explanation. While they investigate the crime scene again, Scully comes across a child buried in the snow. When she digs her out, the kid bursts into flames in Scully's arms when exposed to sunlight. One would THINK that Scully would begin to formulate. . .alternative. . .explanations at that point. But no.

They also come across a band of Inuit natives performing a ceremony about fighting creatures in the dark and living to see the day. . .and when they interrupt, the natives demand to see their teeth to avoid getting shot. Again. . .one would THINK. . .

All that and somehow the art is worse than it was in the first issue. 

All in all, beyond the outstanding covers, this mini so far is the definition of Longbox Junk.

ISSUE 3

Agents Scully and Mulder investigate an iced-in ship and find more bodies. Elsewhere, State police get into a gun battle with a bunch of feral vampires. After a run in with Agent French, Mulder and Scully catch a helicopter ride back to town. They get attacked by a fanged, red-eyed vampire crashing through the windshield. Mulder discovers they don't give a rip about crosses, so he puts a bullet in its head, but the helicopter crashes, leaving them stranded in the middle of nowhere. Perhaps NOW Scully will consider vampires as a suspect?

I'm really having to force myself to finish this mini. Besides the great covers, the only good thing I can say about it is that it's a quick read. I can't figure out why I kept it on my pull list past the second issue when it came out new. . .what was I thinking?

ISSUE FOUR

Please, God. . .let it end.
Scully and Mulder are rescued by Russians tracking the same killers. Scully STILL insists they are human, even after personally witnessing one burst into flames in her arms, and another crashing through a helicopter window and killing their pilots. There's such a thing as staying in character. . .but there's also such a thing as common sense.

Also. . .they are taken to a cave where a vampire without arms or legs tells them a tale of when he was alive over 100 years before and was searching for an artifact of eternal life. And Scully still doesn't believe in vampires. . .

The artifact is found by the band of vampires. Inside it is some sort of blood drinking baby.

This is just bad. Started bad and looks like it's getting worse. Even the art seems like it's worse. I don't even know how that's possible. I'm sure Scully could come up with a rational explanation. Mine is that everyone on this project was just making a paycheck, and there were very few F$%KS given.

ISSUE FIVE

Thank God there's only 1 issue left. This crapfest started off barely on the rails and at this point it doesn't even remember where the rails are.

Never mind the synopsis. Just be warned. This mini is the definition of cash-in crap. The only reason I'm even finishing it is because I've come this far.

ISSUE SIX

It's over. Finally, it's over.

Why does this series even exist? I mean, I know why it exists. The idea sounds good on paper. Unfortunately the execution of that idea doesn't even come anywhere close to the promise. No. . .the question of this series' existence is that of why the publisher allowed it to exist in the form it is in.

X-Files/30 Days of Night has so few redeeming qualities that I can't help but wonder if this was literally the worst kind of blatant cash grab that can exist in comics. Just thinking about this series makes me sick, and not in a good way. It makes me realize now. . .6 years down the road. . .that I was ripped off in a big way when I bought this whole series. Did I even realize it at the time? I can't even remember buying these comics.  

CONCLUSION


 X-Files/30 Days of Night will now be the lower bar for which all other comics I review will be judged by until I find something worse. And believe me. . .I can't really see that happening. This series is truly the definition of Longbox Junk.

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